I Never: A DGrayMan Drinking Game
by Razeasha
Summary: The exorcists are rained in and pass their time in a pub playing a drinking game called "I Never." There aren't really any pairings...This is just a little fic I threw together. Please R&R! SIXTH part up due to reviews! Thank you!
1. The Game

I Never…

It's a drinking game. The person whose turn it is says, "I never…" and those who have done that thing take a drink. It goes around in a circle. Here it is with a DGM take. I tried to take people's body types and drinking experience into account. (I'm underage and don't drink, so my accuracy is questionable…)

D.Gray-Man is not mine…nor will it ever be.

* * *

"I'll start!" Lavi chirped joyously. Lavi, Allen, Lenalee, Miranda, Krory, and Kanda were seated around a large circular table. They were stuck in a pub waiting for a storm to pass, so what better way to spend the time rather that a drinking game? Kanda could think of one million or so ways to better spend his time, but the future bookman had blackmailed him in to playing this juvenile game. "I never kissed a Noah."

Allen took a drink. He hated the burn in his throat that the alcohol gave him. He didn't like the memories of his master that it brought up either. He cleared his throat and announced, "I never saw Lenalee naked." He was shocked that Miranda, Kanda, Lavi, and, obviously, Lenalee all took a swig from their respective glasses. If only Komui had been there…Allen looked at her with a surprised expression.

"What?" she asked indignantly. "You were the one who brought it up. Anyway, I've never been so drunk that I have forgotten my OWN name."

Lavi took a huge gulp from his cup. _'It's hard to keep track, when you are on your 49__th__ name!' _

"Oh dear…I never…um…went on a mission by myself." Poor Miranda was low on self esteem and creativity. Kanda proudly took a gulp from his glass. Lavi almost drank, but then he remembered that the panda was always with him.

"I never was accepted by society," Krory stated grimly. Not a single one of them drank. Allen felt like he should, but didn't want to admit it. He was accepted by them, and that was all that mattered. They were all waiting for Kanda to break the uncomfortable silence with a statement. The silence seemed to stretch on for eternity.

Finally, he spoke. "I never like going on missions with inexperienced exorcists, like Allen and Krory." Lavi Miranda, Krory, and Lenalee were all so kind-hearted that they drank weather they felt that way or not. Allen was too angry to drink. "See bean sprout," Kanda teased, "you wouldn't even go on a mission with YOURSELF!"

"Shut up, Kanda!" Allen snapped at Kanda.

"It's my turn again!" Lavi interjected to stop the fight. "I never got hit on by an Akuma." Lenalee's face turned red as she took a drink.

"I've never been caught touching myself by anyone at this table," Allen declared proudly.

"Yes you have," Lavi corrected him slyly. "I just never told you…" Everyone, including Kanda, laughed as Allen turned a new shade of red.

"Yeah, I caught you too, idiot." Kanda teased. "I didn't care enough to tell you."

"Come on, Allen. Think of another one." Lenalee was trying to help the poor boy recover.

"OK, I never whole-heartedly thought of maiming Komui." Lenalee and Kanda both took large decisive swigs from their glasses.

"I never EVER thought Jerry was gay," Lenalee stated. She was very proud of her accurate "gaydar." Krory, Lavi, and Allen all drank.

"I have never had a kinky fantasy about anyone at this table!" Miranda stated the fact with much pride and conviction. Lavi, Allen, Lenalee, and, surprisingly, Kanda all took a sip. Krory looked disheartened as he thought of Eliade.

He recovered from the wave of sadness he had felt with his recollection of her and spoke, "I never wet the bed after the age of four." Allen and Lenalee both timidly sipped their drinks.

Kanda would have to remember to tease the bean sprout later, but for now, he had to think up a good statement. "I never snoop through people's stuff…unless I'm supposed to for a mission." Lavi and Lenalee both drank. "It better not have been MY stuff!" Kanda snapped at Lavi.

"I never put flowers in my room at the Order!" Lavi said jovially to tease Kanda as well as give him his answer as to weather Lavi had been snooping in his room. Miranda, Lenalee and Krory all drank. Kanda fumed at Lavi, but took a swig nonetheless.

"Stay out of my room stupid rabbit!" Kanda threatened the redhead.

"Aww, I'm your rabbit! In Spanish and French, 'rabbit' (conejo and lapain respectively) is a term of endearment! Do you have a secret crush on me, Yuu?" Lavi teased Kanda. He was obviously not afraid of the other's threats.

"DAMMIT LAVI!" Kanda shouted. No one dared to guess why Kanda reacted in such an extreme manner. They attributed it to the alcohol and tried not to dwell on it.

"Um…" Allen interrupted, "I never had phone sex by golem."

"You're a pervert," Kanda accused with great conviction. Apparently booze made him talkative. "Where did you come up with that one?"

"I heard my master do it on multiple occasions." No one doubted that and no one drank.

Lenalee was giggling incessantly. The alcohol was really beginning to affect her small body. "I never undreshed Klaud Nine wish mah eyes." Lavi drank, though he'd thought of avoiding it on the technicality that he only used his left eye.

Miranda wondered if Lenalee would be all right. She was nearing the end of her third glass. "I never thought about sex whilst on a mission," She declared proudly. She was surprised when the four younger exorcists at the table all drank. _'I suppose it's those teenage hormones…'_

"I never ran around naked." Krory smiled as he spoke. He was proud of what little dignity he had.

"What about when you lost at poker?" Lavi asked and Allen nodded.

"I still had boxers!" He declared. Miranda and Lavi drank.

"I never cried on a mission." Kanda stated coldly. Miranda took a huge gulp. Krory, Lenalee, and Allen took sips too. "Yeah, Allen cried because a dolly named Lala broke." Kanda snorted and turned toward the white haired boy. "You are such a baby!"

"Is he your baby?" Lavi enjoyed teasing Kanda. He talked over the swordsman's angry protests and threats in order to make his statement. "I never tried to strangle a finder." Kanda drank three times. Everyone stared at him.

"What? One drink for each time I tried." They all worried a little about weather he would try to strangle exorcists too.

"I have never used foods in foreplay." Yes, Allen believed that eating should be kept separate from other activities.

"Not even whipped cream?" Krory asked. Everyone turned to stare at him. They were all surprised to hear him say such a thing.

"You've never even had sex, so why would you have had foreplay?" Lavi pointed out. Allen flushed.

"Yeah, but my statement still stands." Allen was feeling a little dizzy from drinking and did not want to argue. Lavi and Krory both drank.

"I neva drank milk shrai ou of da carton, shoda righ from da bottle, or any shimila shing." Lenalee wobbled in her chair as she made her point.

"What did she say?" Kanda asked. Lenalee's speech was too slurred for him to understand.

"She said that she's never drunk milk right out of the carton, soda right out of the bottle, or any such similar thing." Lavi interpreted. He was also pretty drunk, but his speech had not failed him yet. Allen, Lavi, and Krory all drank.

"Well, it doesn't make that much of a difference, when you drink the entire carton in one sitting." Krory pointed out. Allen nodded in agreement. Lavi laughed. His reason was that he was simply too lazy to get a cup.

"I never looked at anyone else while we bathed in the baths at the order." Miranda was unnerved when everyone at the table drank. Lavi had a little trouble finding his glass at first. He kept grasping the air beside it but he eventually got it. Kanda smacked his glass against his nose, before he found his mouth.

"I never had one of those dreams that everyone seems to have, where they show up to work naked." Kanda, Lavi, and Lenalee drank.

"I accidentally DID show up to work naked one day…" Miranda mumbled, "I was in such a rush that I wasn't thinking properly. I just threw on my coat and left without even thinking. I lost my job that day…" Krory smiled at her and patted her shoulder.

"I never enjoyed going around with my master." Kanda couldn't stand Tiedoll. Though Allen hated alcohol, he chugged an entire glass to demonstrate his hatred for Cross and would have drank more if not for Bookman appearing at that very moment.

"This storm will not be passing any time soon. We will lodge here for the night. We will use three rooms in the inn next door. Come on." Lenalee tried to stand, but she wobbled and sat down again. Krory, who was not so inebriated, assisted her in standing. Lavi and Allen both stood and staggered a little. Miranda followed behind them; she was no more graceful than usual. Kanda stood last and followed the others out of the pub.

Drinking so much so quickly near the end of the game had an affected him. He had not eaten much that day, so there was nothing much in his stomach to cushion the drinks.

They all had a little trouble ascending the stairs, some because of drinking, and others because they were carrying more luggage than usual. Bookman ushered Lenalee and Miranda to a room with two single beds. He pointed to a room a little ways down the hall, where the boys found two bunk beds. "I'll be in the room across the hall from you," Bookman said to the boys as he bid them all goodnight.

* * *

It was a nice change of pace from writing Sorpresando Amor.

If you want a sequel about the drunken night that ensues, let me know! (Preferably by reviewing.)

Also, don't forget that if you drink, drink responsibly!


	2. The Giggles and Gasps

I Never II: The Night of the Drunken Exorcists

I totally don't own D.Gray-Man, though, I do own an Allen Walker cosplay!

Back by popular demand, it's the drunken night after the exorcists play I Never. OMG! So many reviews! Thank you so much!

* * *

"I'll take the top bunk!" giggled Lavi as he, Allen, Kanda and Krory entered their room. "I like to be on top!" He walked over to one of the bunks and attempted to climb the ladder. After many failed attempts, Kanda pushed him aside and climbed up to the upper bed.

He laughed at Lavi and teased, "I guess you don't have what it takes to be on top!"

Lavi pouted and sat on the bed below Kanda's. Krory had climbed to the other top bunk and Allen flopped down on the lower bunk situated across from Lavi. Allen began to giggle.

"What's so funny?" Lavi asked unsure what to make of the very blurry Allen laughing in front of him.

"You can't be on top! You'll always be somebody's bitch!" Allen laughed harder. Everything seemed funny to him at the moment. Kanda began to laugh too.

Krory just tried to roll over and go to sleep. He was fairly sober and wanted a good night's sleep. The other three kept chattering.

"Shuddup you guys! I am NOT somebody's bitch!" Lavi was a little frustrated, but the room was a blur.

"That's because you aren't with anyone." Kanda's voice drawled a little slower than usual from above him.

"He's with his hand. He's been with his hand so much that I bet he has nicknames for it and complains when it's too tired to put out!" Allen was pretty sure that he was actually making sense, but it didn't really matter. The only two currently listening were too drunk to notice if he was spouting nonsense.

"It's more than you get!" Lavi shouted as he tried to throw a pillow at Allen, but missed by about four feet. By this time, Krory had given up on the idea of sleep. After all, there would be plenty of time to sleep, while the others were still hung over. He rolled over to watch the three make fools of themselves.

"So, you admit it!" Kanda teased. "You admit that your hand is your only companion!"

"What? When did I do that?" Lavi didn't believe that he would ever admit such a thing; after all, he talked so much about this girl and that.

"Ju…just…hahahaha…just now!" Allen's choked out the words through his nearly incessant laughter. "You're such a loser!"

"I agree with the bean sprout for once." Kanda said the words slowly. He was getting drowsy. He was already somewhat dizzy, though he appeared fairly normal to other people.

Allen would have objected to the nickname, but he was too busy laughing at the flustered expression on Lavi's face. Lavi had to find something to say back. "At least I don't look like a bitch! How many times have you been mistaken for a girl, Kanda?"

Kanda sighed. The meaning of the words had not reached him. "I didn't bother counting after seventeen times…"

"Hahaha! It's your girly hair!" Allen howled with laughter. Not only did his innocence absorb food faster, but it had the same effect with alcohol. It was all going through his system so fast.

"Blow me…" Kanda had meant it as an insult, but it sounded more like a request when he uttered it.

"Yuu's true colors are showing!" It was Lavi's turn to tease Kanda. "I didn't know that you swing that way! So, confess to us who you like!" Kanda did not reply. "Tell us, Yuu! Do you like Allen? Or Lenalee?" There was still no reply.

Krory spoke startling the two boys who had gotten up to check on Kanda. "I think he passed out."

"Aww, he's no fun," Lavi whined. "Hey, let's play a prank on him!"

Allen loved the idea. "OK! What kind of prank will we play?"

**Meanwhile in the Virgin Vault (Miranda and Lenalee's room):**

Miranda opened the door and helped sit Lenalee down on one of the beds. Miranda felt a little woozy herself, but she'd had much worse before. This was nothing she couldn't handle…yet. Lenalee stood up and began to wobble. Mirand caught her before she fel. In slurred speech Lenalee professed, "I wuv oo Meewandah!"

"That's very nice Lenalee…" Miranda didn't panic. After all, it was the alcohol talking. The great Shakespeare once wrote, "Lechery, sir, it [alcohol provokes and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance: therefore much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery…" Miranda knew Lenalee was too drunk to cause any trouble. She would just as well confess her love to the oil lamp on the table. Lenalee could have only gotten in trouble if there were eager males around, but in that department, their room was certainly lacking.

Lenalee continued to giggle and claim that she loved Miranda, her pillow, the bedside table, and any other objects she encountered and recognized. Miranda had tired nof looking after Lenalee and had just finished dressing for bed, when there was a knock at the door. Miranda cracked the door open to find a rather rosy-cheeked Allen standing on the other side. "Can I help you?" She asked in a tired, yet polite voice.

"D-do you have any nail polish we could borrow?" He asked so sheepishly that Miranda had to inquire about its use. Allen explained sheepishly that they were going to paint Kanda's nails whilst he slept. She didn't ask further questions, because she didn't want to know any more. She let Allen into their room as she searched for her makeup.

Lenalee gazed lazily at Allen, before she wrapped her arms around him and told him of her love for him. He fell backwards onto her bed with her on top of him. He was more shocked than anything. He wasn't thinking clearly and didn't protest, but nothing happened. Lenalee was too out of it to do any such love making act as the ones Allen had begun to fear and anticipate. It was better that neither of their first times happened this way.

Miranda walked over to rescue the blushing Allen. She shook her head and handed him a few colors including black, dark purple, dark red, and hot pink. "If Kanda gets angry, you didn't get these from me." He agreed and thanked her. He wandered back down the hall to his room.

Lavi opened the door for Allen and grabbed the nail polish. "Yay! Hot pink! It's Yuu's favorite color!"

"R-really?" Krory asked. He was still quite gullible

"No, Crow, I was being sarcastic." Lavi corrected. "Now let's make Yuu's nails pretty!" Lavi reached up and grabbed one of Kanda's hands and pulled it over the edge of the bed. Kanda was out cold and did not notice a thing. _'If I were a pervert, I'd do kinky sexual things to him right now…' _Lavi was brought out of his thoughts when Allen inquired as to what color they were going to use. "We'll use hot pink of course!"

Allen began to try to paint Kanda's nails neatly, but it turned out that he and Lavi were too drunk to do a nice job. Krory took the polish from them. "I'll do it, but if anyone asks, Lavi did it."

"Sounds good!" Allen agreed.

"Why me?" asked Lavi.

"Because doing something to Kanda was your idea in the first place." Krory pointed out as he painted the fingernails on Kanda's left hand. "I can't reach his other hand from down here. I'll climb up and paint it." With that, he made his way up the ladder on Kanda's bed.

Lavi had started counting on his fingers. It caught Allen's attention. "What are you doing?"

"I think we should write something on his nails!" Lavi laughed as he continued trying to find the perfect phrase. "We'll put one letter on each finger!" Allen gawked at Lavi as he continued to count. "I've got one!" Lavi shouted startling Allen. "I Love Allen"

"Hey, why does it have to be me?" Allen asked indignantly. "Why not you or Krory?"

"I don't think Crow could stand painting his own name, and mine doesn't fit." Lavi explained.

"Your name would fit, if I added punctuation," Krory pointed out. "I could also paint 'And Lavi Too' on his toes."

"Do it," giggled Allen. He was trying to think about how funny Kanda would be all flustered. He remembered how odd Lenalee had been acting earlier and decided to mention it.

"She must be really sauced!" Lavi thought it funny how she had made Allen uncomfortable. He decided he might as well do the same. It might be funny. "Hey, Allen, Was that kiss from Road your first kiss?"

"What? Oh, y-yes, it was." Allen didn't really want to talk about his love life, or lack thereof.

"Did you like it?" Lavi was going to push the matter, weather Allen liked it or not.

"I dunno. I don't have anything to compare it to." Allen realized as soon as the words left his mouth that he would regret them. _'Darn, why did I say that? Now, Lavi is going to do something…'_

Lavi certainly was going to do something. He put an arm around Allen's waist and his free hand under Allen's chin. He slowly tilted the boy's chin up. "Allen, you look so nervous. You are such a child sometimes."

"Yes, he is a child," Snapped Krory quite out of character. "So, just leave him alone. He has plenty of time to figure it all out."

"Aww, Crow, you ruined the moment," Lavi whined as he let go of Allen. Allen flopped down on his bed.

"I'm done!" Krory exclaimed as he climbed down from Kanda's bunk. Lavi admired the handiwork on one of Kanda's hands. Krory had used the dark purple polish for the lettering. He made the letters as feminine looking as possible; they were delicate and curvy. "Well, I'm going to try to sleep now," Krory declared as he climbed up into his bed.

"That doesn't sound like a bad idea," Allen agreed as he rolled over and pulled his covers over himself. His body had burned off the alcohol quickly, like it does food. How he was tired and had a headache. He and Krory both dozed off quickly. Lavi didn't fall asleep so quickly; he had a few more pranks that he wanted to pull.

Down the hall, Miranda was startled awake by the sound of retching. Lenalee was sick in the bathroom. Miranda wearily rose to check on the poor girl. "Lenalee, do you need anything?"

"I'll be OK," Lenalee mumbled still sitting on the floor in front of the toilet. "Go back to sleep." Miranda did as she was told, but felt uneasy about it. She fell into a fitful sleep filled with dreams of awful things happening to Lenalee. Miranda had never gotten as drunk as Lenalee did that night.

* * *

The Shakespeare quote is from Macbeth Act II scene i and is said by the porter.

Road kisses Allen in the manga.

Let me know in a review if you want the morning after, when most are hung over and Kanda discovers his manicure. Lavi's other pranks would also be revealed.

My apologies to those of you who wanted a drunken orgy sex party. If you ask nicely in a review, I might write one separately under the M rating! Also, let me know what pairing(s) you want. I'm open to anything.


	3. A Rude Awakening

OK, I wanted to do some other mean things to Kanda and the others, but I didn't know if ya'll would like them…Well, it's MY story, so I did them anyway! XP If you REALLY hate them, then review and tell me to change them. (Isn't that what reviews are all about?)

Speaking of reviews, THANK YOU so much to everyone who has reviewed!!

D.Gray-Man is not mine, but I do own a giant Timcampy plush! Well, on with the story!!

* * *

Kanda awoke early the next morning with a massive headache. He knew the tattoo on his chest would soon take care of it and any damage the night before had caused his liver and other body parts. He sat up in his bed. Something didn't feel right…Was he…wet? _'No, it can't be…I'm just groggy.' _It was. _'Damn, I didn't think I was __**that **__drunk. Did I pass out or something?' _Kanda rose and changed. He put on his coat and went to see if Bookman was awake.

Upon hearing the door close, Allen began to stir. He had a slight headache, but as with food, his innocence had used the alcohol faster. He felt a little groggy from staying up late, but now his main concern was breakfast. He rose and noticed that Kanda had left. He immediately checked to make sure that Lavi was still among the living. He was. Above Lavi, Allen heard Krory's stomach growl. "Krory, are you awake?"

"I suppose I am…now…" Krory replied sleepily.

"Would you like to get some breakfast with me?" Allen suggested.

"Sounds good." Krory agreed. He climbed down from his bunk.

Allen gazed up at Krory and began to laugh. "Hey, what happened to your hair?!"

"What are you talking about?" Krory demanded offended.

"Go…take a…look in the…bathroom…mirror." Allen advised through bursts of laughter.

Krory went to the mirror and sure enough, his hair was…different. The shock of white hair he usually had was hot pink and sloppily braided. He had dark purple streaks throughout his black hair. "WAAAAAHH!" he yelled in surprise and disgust. He turned the water in the sink on and began vehemently attempting to wash out his hair.

Allen walked in still laughing. "Hey, is it…washing out? Sorry for laughing…it just looks…funny!"

Krory turned to protest, but he couldn't help nut laugh, not because his situation was funny, but because Allen's face sported a plethora of funny designs he had not noticed when he first woke. "What happened to your face?"

"What do you mean?" Allen asked confused.

"Take a look at yourself." Krory suggested, stepping aside, so Allen could stand in front of the mirror. Allen's face had a plethora of bizarre markings decorating it. Among the designs were hearts, spirals, lips, fake eyelashes, and something that rather resembled the male anatomy.

"What the Hell?!" Allen shouted. "H-how? W-wh-what is that?!" Allen exclaimed as he pointed to the genitalia painted on his forehead. He immediately went to wash it away. Luckily, he had an easier time washing his face than Krory had had with his own hair.

"Who did this?" Krory asked Allen as Allen dried his face.

"Who do you think?" Allen snapped. "It had to have been Lavi." Allen spied a bucket in the corner of the room. "Shall we wake him up and ask?" They filled the bucket with cold tap water and carried it to where Lavi slept on a lower bunk.

"WAAAAAAAHHH!" Lavi exclaimed as the cold water was splashed over his head and chest. As he sat up, he fell out of his bed. "What was that for?" He inquired angrily glaring up at them from the floor.

"It was a thank-you for my new hairdo and Allen's make-over," Krory explained as sarcastically as he could. Sarcasm was still new to the poor man.

"Oh, yes that…that was protection, look." He pulled his covers off to reveal that his legs were tied together. The other two gazed at him, uncomprehending. "It's so Kanda would be confused as to who played the prank on him. He confuses easily."

Allen thought it was a clever idea. However, he could not help but think that what Lavi had done to himself was much kinder than what Lavi did to them. '_Though, it was funny to watch him fall out of bed sopping wet!' _Allen smiled. He glanced over at Kanda's bunk. "Wait, where IS Kanda?"

"He isn't there?" Lavi asked with a large grin spreading across his face. "My other plan must have worked then!"

Krory felt a twinge of nervousness as he asked, "What did you do to him?"

"I just dipped his hand in warm water, so that if it worked he would be distracted when he woke up," Lavi explained. His head was throbbing, but no one could notice from his appearance and actions. Hiding their true states is a must for Bookmen.

Allen had moved to check Kanda's bed. "Um, Lavi, we aren't going to get in trouble with the inn, are we? Kanda really did wet the bed…that's a little gross." Allen made a mental note of this for fodder in his later arguments with Kanda.

Lavi had been untying his feet. He looked up surprised. "Really? Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't…Anyway, I bet Kanda hasn't even noticed his manicure and pedicure!" He had freed himself and rose to look at Kanda's bed.

Krory's stomach growled. "Hey, can we go ahead and get some breakfast?" The others agreed. They dressed quickly and left to seek comestible goodness and find their comrades.

* * *

Sorry, this chapter is a little short, but I wanted to go ahead and submit it. You will find out how the night was for Miranda, Lenalee, and Bookman in the next chapter (The plot will also keep going. It won't just revolve around them.).

The next chapter may be a little gross in parts (just a warning for those of you who didn't like what happened to Kanda). I'm going to show the less glamorous side of being drunk, using poor Lenalee.

Please review and tell me what you liked, or didn't like. Tell me if you want the next chapter.


	4. Sauced and Sick

Well, this is my most popular story, so, even though I don't want to work on it right now…I suppose I will…view counts and REVIEWS don't lie…Thank you to all who have reviewed and turned this one-shot into four shots at the least…because we can never have just one shot, now can we? (Sorry…couldn't help it…this is about drinking after all…)

Disclaimers: I don't own DGM and I don't encourage underage and/or irresponsible drinking…

Warning: This is a slightly darker chapter, but it will get funnier again, I promise! I just had to show the negative side of drinking.

* * *

Miranda was asleep. Some distant sound that didn't quite seem to coincide with her dream was beginning to bother her. Her dream began to slowly slip away as the sound grew louder and more distinct. She rolled over as she tried to figure out what the sound was. It sure was bizarre…_'like a wet gurgling and coughing…or was that gasping…or was it choking…or was it…' _"LENALEE!" Miranda shouted as she sat bolt upright in bed and fumbled for the bedside lamp. She knocked it off of the table in her scramble to illuminate their hotel room. She grabbed it, placed it back on the table, and fumbling for the switch turned it on. "Oh my God!"

Miranda ran over to Lenalee's bed. The poor girl had gotten sick. She was having trouble breathing through all of the vomit. Miranda propped her up, so that she could breathe better and would not choke. "M…mah…wanda?" Lenalee babbled as the German woman panicked and tried to do everything that she could think of to help the girl. Unfortunately, Miranda could not think of much.

"You're conscious! Good! Must get help. I don't know what to do!" Miranda babbled. She ran out of their room and went a few doors down to enlist the help of Bookman. She franticly knocked on his door. "Help me or Lenalee is going to dieeeeeee!"

"Please calm down," was the groggy reply that Bookman gave her as he opened his door. "What is wrong with the girl?" He asked as he followed Miranda back to her room.

"She drank enough to make her really REALLY sick!" Miranda explained franticly as she fumbled with the doorknob. She burst into the room. Bookman walked calmly past her to Lenalee's bedside.

"Do you know how many drinks she had?"

"No, I wasn't really paying attention. I think she had about five…" Miranda hesitated while trying to remember, then began to apologize profusely. "I'm soooo sorry that I am so USELESS!!"

"She will be very sick tonight, but she is not going to die, so please calm yourself Miss Lotto. I will stay with her through the night and administer the necessary medical attention. You may go sleep in my room for the remainder of the night."

Miranda let out a little sigh. "Thank you, Bookman."

The next morning Miranda woke a little groggy from the night's events. She decided to head down to breakfast a little early so she could try to relax, a new concept for her. She was sitting quietly with a plate of eggs and sausage and a cup of tea, when an especially grumpy looking Kanda entered the pub. "What's the matter, Kanda?"

"Don't talk to me," Kanda snapped. He ordered a cup of tea, some sausage and two slices of toast. He sat down across from her not speaking.

Miranda's eyes widened as Kanda lifted his cup to drink. She threw a hand over her mouth to keep from shouting or laughing. _'So, that's why Lavi wanted my nail polish! I had better not say anything. Kanda looks mad and he told me not to talk to him anyway…' _Miranda continued to eat her breakfast in nervous silence. Miranda looked up from her plate, when Bookman joined them at the table. "How is Lenalee?"

"She is fine, but she will have quite the headache when she awakes," Bookman replied. Did you sleep better in my room, Ms. Lotto?"

"Yes, Thank you very much."

"When will we be disembarking?" Kanda cut in.

"In a few hours, but you can have your ticket now, if you want to go ahead and wait on the boat. It probably won't be much quieter there." Bookman looked over at Kanda silently wondering if the boy was aware of his hot pink nails that spelled out, "I love Allen." He did not feel like mentioning it, so he ordered some breakfast and waited for the other exorcists to come down.

Kanda stood up from the table. "I'm going for a walk." With that, he left.

About an hour later, Allen, Krory, and a hung-over Lavi entered the dining room. They joined Bookman, who was reading the paper and Miranda, who was nonchalantly stirring a cup of tea. Even though no one besides Bookman could tell that Lavi was hung-over, Bookman was quite disgusted with the boy and decided to work him hard all day. The boys ordered their breakfasts. Allen began eating his with gusto as soon as it arrives. Lavi, in contrast, was not that hungry and merely played with his eggs and cut them up into tiny pieces.

After Allen's food vanished in a matter of minutes, he took a moment to notice the two people missing from their party. "Where are Kanda and Lenalee?"

"Kanda is out on a walk, and Lenalee is still asleep," Miranda answered.

"Still asleep?" Lavi raised his visible eyebrow. "How drunk was she when you went over last night, Allen?"

"Pretty drunk…uh…I don't think I've even seen that person so drunk," he replied.

"By 'that person' you mean Cross, right?" Lavi chuckled as Allen's face paled as he nodded. "Does even thinking about it upset you that much?"

"At least your master has never come home wasted and berated you for nothing!" Allen defended himself.

"I'm pretty sure that the General can hold his liquor better then Miss Lena as well." Bookman was not pleased with the girl's irresponsibility. "I think I should inform the supervisor."

"That's so bad…that's like telling someone's parents what they did." Lavi commented with an air between protest and amusement.

"Yeah, I already know that you're a problem child," Bookman replied snidely. Krory and Miranda both chuckled.

"Master would probably be proud of me…I don't even want to think about it…" Allen was suddenly feeling uneasy.

Lavi smiled deviously. "Though, he would have been disappointed that you did not score with Lenalee last night."

"I'd like to think of myself as better than the scum that would do something like that to an innocent young girl whose only mistake was drinking a little too much!" Everyone was shocked by Allen's sudden outburst.

The stoic Bookman was the first to speak. "I take it you have seen a lot of that happen?"

Allen's face softened and he withdrew a little. "Y-yeah I saw a lot of…stuff…like that traveling with Master, with Mana, and when on my own…it's awful."

They continued to sit in silence, until a very groggy looking Lenalee wobbled into the room. She flopped down at the table and rested her head on the hard wood surface.

"How are you feeling Miss Lena?" Bookman inquired, though he knew full well how she was feeling.

"Uummph," She replied feebly from the tabletop.

"Well, we set sail in about one hour, so please order some breakfast, then go pack your things." Bookman was Bookman for sure, unbiased and unsympathetic.

"Mm nawt hunry," Came a feeble answer.

"What did she say?" Krory asked.

Allen, who was fluent in the language of Hangover, clarified, "She said that is not hungry. Well, I'm going to go pack my things. See you in a few!" With that, he left.

"Yes, I should go ahead and gather my things as well." Miranda rose and exited. Lavi then followed to pack his things.

Krory picked up a newspaper and started to read. As he was reading, Bookman watched him stop and reread the same paragraph or so about three times. He finally put the paper down and asked, "What's so bad about red lights?"

"Pardon?" Bookman looked up from his coffee.

"What's so bad about red lights? This article says that a whole district of them were shut down."

"Just go pack your bags. You can go ask Lavi. He'd be more than happy to tell you in excruciatingly superfluous detail. Lenalee, you should also go and get your things if you are not planning on eating. I want us to be on the boat a half-hour before it leaves." Krory jumped up and headed for his room excitedly. Lenalee rose slowly and practically dragged herself to her room. _' Finally, peace and quiet!' _Bookman smiled.

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TADUM!! I did it! I got through the not as funny chapter! In the next chapter, Kanda finally looks at his hands! Good job young warrior! The more reviews, the faster I write!

Please Review!!


	5. Morning After

I Never V

OK, so freshman year of college ate my time…I'm sorry for the slow update, I'm actually updating because of all the reviews that this story has gotten! Thank you so much! (Wow! Over 100 reviews!)

Disclaimer: I don't own -Man, or any booze for that matter. (I'm under 21.)

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Allen was placing a pair of black pants in his suitcase when Lavi entered to pack. Allen looked up with a serious expression. "Lavi, I think you should apologize to Kanda for playing such an immature prank on him. It's kind of disgusting to make someone wet the bed…" Allen paused and frowned. "Especially Kanda…that is just scary."

"Then why should I tell him? He'll just kick my ass!" Lavi defended.

"Because it's the right thing to do, and maybe you deserve it," Allen replied sternly. "I know I'd be really upset if you did something like that to me." Allen couldn't imagine waking up to such a surprise.

"Fine, I'll tell him after we get on the ship." Lavi hated the idea of confessing his actions to Kanda in such a confined space, but he was not about to miss the ship by running from the enraged samurai.

"Well, I'm going to go see if the ladies need a hand." Allen lifted his suitcase and opened the door to leave. As he exited, Krory entered the room.

Krory turned to his things and packed them away. He then turned to Lavi, "Hey, Lavi, I have a question; Bookman said that you could answer it for me?"

Lavi fastened his suitcase shut and looked up at the other man. "Sure. What's your question?"

"What's so bad about red lights?"

Lavi blinked. "Red…lights?"

"Yeah, I was looking at today's paper, and it said that a whole district of them was shut down." Krory had a look on his face that was a mix between that of a curious puppy and that of a deer in the headlights.

Lavi thought for a second. "Well you see, red lights themselves are not bad, but a red light district is a place where prostitutes work." Lavi was waving the index finger of his left hand in the air while explaining this to Krory and carrying his suitcase out of the room with the other.

"W-wait!" Krory sputtered, as Lavi was about to exit the room.

"Hm?" Lavi turned towards the pale man.

"What are prostitutes? And why do they need red lights?"

Lavi sighed and sat his suitcase next to the door. "I'll explain, while you pack. We have to get going soon." As Krory gathered his belongings, Lavi quickly came up with a simple way to explain the whole thing. "A prostitute is a person, usually a woman, who has sex with someone, usually a man, in exchange for money." Krory had just closed his suitcase and joined Lavi at the door. As they walked downstairs, Lavi continued, "The red lights used to be a symbol that a prostitute occupied the building from which the red light shone. So, a lot of these places all grouped together are now called a red light district."

"Oh…" Krory murmured as he and Lavi exited the building and headed towards the docks. "But, why would one be shut down?"

"Because that is how things are. It's taboo in many cultures to offer sex for pay."

"Why?" Krory asked, as their boat came into view.

"There are different reasons, but, many religions frown upon it, and you know how powerful the Vatican is. _We_ work for _them_." Lavi still found it unsettling that a religious organization had an army, but, since feeling uneasy was not in his job description, he did his best to ignore it. They reached the boat and saw Bookman waiting for them with their tickets. "Thanks, Gramps."

Bookman's eyes narrowed at his apprentice. "Just go and put your suitcase in your quarters. After we embark, I have plenty of work for you to do, brat."

Lavi groaned as he and Krory boarded the ship. His head was still killing him. _'Why is it that I have to pay for my fun? Damn. I can't get a break…'_

Bookman looked down the road and watched the approach of Allen, Miranda, and Lenalee. They were quite a sight. Allen was carrying all three suitcases, which he was finding to be a bit of a challenge. Miranda was focusing on helping Lenalee wobble to the ship, but the ever-graceful Miranda was not the best candidate to help someone else with balance. Bookman watched as Lenalee stepped on the bottom of Miranda's dress sending them both tumbling to the ground. Allen was franticly trying to help them both to their feet.

Bookman turned his attention away from the debacle to see Kanda emerging from a nearby park. He looked slightly more peaceful than he had at breakfast. Bookman hoped this meant that he would not have to listen to many arguments on the high seas. _'Unfortunately, I never get that lucky.' _

By this time the three exorcists had gathered themselves and were walking up to Bookman. He sighed and handed them their tickets. As they boarded the ship, Kanda received his ticket from Bookman.

Kanda watched the Bean Sprout and the two women go below deck to find their rooms. He approached a middle-aged man in a commercial sailor's uniform. The man asked to see his ticket. Kanda presented it without a word. After looking at it, the man handed it back and said, "Have a nice trip, Miss."

Kanda's eyes narrowed as he grabbed the man by his collar. "What did you say?" Kanda inquired darkly as if daring the man to make the same mistake twice.

"I-I-I'm sorry!" The man stuttered. "The long hair and nail polish-I just thought-"

"Nail polish?" Kanda growled.

"Y-yes! It's h-hot p-pink with something w-written in it!"

Kanda released the man in order to observe his involuntary manicure. _'I Love Allen…Someone is going to DIE!' _Kanda stormed off in the direction he had seen the others go leaving a very unnerved sailor behind him.

Bookman approached the sailor. The poor man jumped at the sight of the old man. _'Honestly, has everyone around here gone mad? Kanda's lack of anger management has probably messed with this man's psyche more than I predicted…' _Bookman decided to wait for everyone to settle, before he went below deck, so he found a place to sit down and observe the people on deck.

"Looks like the four of us are rooming together again," Lavi commented as Allen entered their shared quarters. "This time, I want a top bunk." He threw his suitcase on the top bunk of one bed whilst Allen placed his on the bottom bunk. Lavi climbed up on his bed and stretched out. _'I'm not going to find that Old Panda; he might as well come get me, if he wants to work me to death…'_

"Lavi," Allen called.

"Hm?" Lavi murmured as he was drawn out of his thoughts. He turned his head to stare at Allen.

"You are gonna apologize to Kanda soon, right?"

"Yeah, yeah…I will…I'll do it when he comes in he-" Lavi was cut off by the door swinging open so fast that it hit the wall. Before anyone had noticed what was happening, Kanda had grabbed the nearest white-haired victim and slammed him against the opposite wall.

"Ngh." Allen's eyes widened as he was pinned against the wall with Kanda's hands around his throat. They began to tighten around his neck before he had a chance to figure out why Kanda was so mad. He struggled to bring his hands up to grab Kanda's. Just as he was beginning to feel light-headed, he heard Lavi yell.

"What the hell are you doing, Yuu?! Put him down!" Lavi quickly jumped from his bed to pull a furious Kanda off of a withering Allen. Lavi quickly used a few pressure points in the crooks of Kanda's elbows to force him to release his grasp on Allen. As the white-haired boy crumpled to the floor gasping for breath, Lavi reared on Kanda. "What did Allen do to you?! Why the f*** did you just do that?!"

"My…nails…" Kanda growled through clenched teeth. In all honesty, it wouldn't have mattered which member of their party he had grabbed; he would have done it to the first one of them that he saw. The fact that it had been Allen only encouraged him to squeeze tighter.

"Calm down. It can be removed." Lavi stated sternly.

"I…was mistaken…for a woman…"

"Look, it's not like that hasn't happened before. Get over it, and don't kill anyone. We were drunk and got a little wild after you went to sleep. We didn't think you would be so upset about it." Lavi didn't think that a single thing he had said had helped calm the enraged swordsman. "If you want, I can go see if Miranda has any nail polish remover. We'll get rid of the writing on your fingernails, then I have something else that I want to talk to you about…"

Kanda merely glared at the redhead and gave a small, begrudging nod.

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OMG!!!! UPDATE COMPLETE!!!

I know…I make short chapters…Well, I hope you liked it! Please review! It will help push me to write the next chapter quickly! (Don't worry, the next update will come sooner…You won't have to wait seven months!)


	6. I'm on a BOAT!

I Never VI

OMG!!! An update!!! I totally love spell check! Thank you for all the reviews! I wish that I'd had more on the latest chapter for feedback, so that I would know how to better please you guys. I really worked hard to grind this chapter out in a somewhat timely manner. (Well, I'll explain more at the bottom…)

I don't condone underage drinking and characters are Hoshino's.

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Lavi quickly exited, not wanting to leave the other two together unsupervised. He found the two women sitting in a room a few down the hall from his own. Lenalee was lying on her bed, while Miranda was sitting up on her own reading a book. She looked up from her book, when she noticed Lavi standing in the doorway.

"Hello, Lavi." She placed her bookmark into her book and stood to greet him.

"Hey, Miranda, do you have any nail polish remover on you?" He asked immediately.

"Yes, hold on a minute." She pulled out her bag and began looking through it. "Ah, here you are." She handed him a small bottle with yellowish liquid in it.

"Thanks, I'll bring it back in a minute," he said while exiting the room. He rushed back to his room. Kanda glared at him as he entered. Lavi pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and began to dampen it with the solution. "This will take the polish off, and it will be like it was never there."

Kanda said nothing a Lavi approached and took his right hand. Lavi began to wipe the polish off of each fingernail. Kanda wasn't sure that he liked this plan, because of how strange the remover made his fingernails feel. _'And women do this on purpose.' _He inwardly scoffed at the idea. Lavi moved to the other side and started cleaning his left hand.

'_How am I going to manage to tell him what I did to him last night?' _Lavi contemplated his predicament as he cleaned the last of the polish from Kanda's fingernails. _'Also, should I tell him about the polish on his toes? I think I'll let him find that one on his own…' _He cleared his throat. "Hey, Kanda, you know how I can be kind of an immature ass, right?"

"Only 'kind of?'" Kanda raised an eyebrow. "You practically make a full time profession of it."

"Well, I suppose you're right…" Lavi did not want to anger Kanda at a moment like this. He really did want to live to take over the role of Bookman. Plus, if he died, his master would probably raise him from the dead just to kill him. "You see, I did something really stupid last night."

"Even dumber than painting my nails?" Kanda asked dryly.

Lavi swallowed. "Yes. Even dumber than that."

Kanda's eyes widened in shock and fear, which was certainly not the reaction the redhead expected. Kanda's voice was shaky, when he spoke again. "You, you mean to tell me that- that you got Lenalee pregnant last night?"

Lavi paused. "N-no. I don't have that big of a death wish. What I did wasn't that stupid, but I think that you'll be very upset with me."

Kanda narrowed his eyes. "What else did you do to me?"

"Well, you see," There was no beating around the bush. He just had to come out and say it and accept the loss of a limb or two. "I placed your hand in a warm glass of water, while you were passed out."

"So?"

"So, that generally has the effect of causing the owner of the hand to urinate whilst sleeping." Kanda's eyes widened. "H-however, I was not sure that the desired effect would be achieved, so I emptied the contents of the glass in that area to insure your assumption of the situation."

Kanda hated how Lavi's speech became more technical, when he was nervous. "So, you're saying that I may or may not have pissed myself, but either way, it's your fault."

"Yeah, and I'm sorry."

"You know, that's a pretty gross prank…" Kanda was quite relieved to find out that it was not his fault. He had not gotten so smashed that he passed out and lost control. Control. Kanda always wanted to feel in control, but his anger often got the better of him. "I really would love to kick your ass right now…" Kanda growled as he clenched his fist around Mugen's hilt and gritted his teeth.

"H-however you have found it in your heart to spare me?" Lavi asked with a nervous smile. He was getting ready to run for it.

"You totally deserve a beating on the high seas! You are loud mouthed, annoying, and immature. But, for some reason I feel calm enough to not beat you." Kanda did not know what came over him. He was never calm and would never pass up an opportunity to give a well-deserved beating, especially to someone who bothered him incessantly, like Lavi did.

"That's odd…" Lavi looked at the bottle in his hand. Realization suddenly washed over him. _'Oh, yeah! This is the nail polish remover that I drugged a few missions ago so that Miranda would calm down. Damn, I am so glad I did that!' _The widest grin spread over Lavi's face.

"Seeing you with that stupid grin is usually enough to make me angry… When I start feeling like normal again, I'll kick your ass into last week!"

"How about you just prank him later for revenge?" Allen had finally found his voice again. Kanda turned to regard the small boy. "Well, it doesn't seem like beating Lavi has ever worked…" Allen paused. _'Maybe Lavi enjoys it… Is he a masochist?' _Allen shook the thought from his head and continued. "You could always give him a dose of his own medicine, when he least expects it." The mischievous sheen that darkened Allen's features in sketchy situations had found its way to his face.

"Hey!" Lavi shouted. "Whose side are you on?"

"Who said that I had to choose a side?" Allen asked with a wry smile.

"The bean sprout-"

"ALLEN!!!"

"Yeah, whatever. He does have a point," Kanda said with a smirk of his own. "I'll just get you back, when you least expect it."

"Um…okay…" Lavi was hoping that Kanda would just forget, but that would be unlikely. He worried that a prank pulled by Kanda would be more brutal. He shook the fear from his head. "So, now that we have that cleared up, what are we going to do for the rest of the journey?"

"Beats me," The white-haired boy said with a shrug.

"I have no idea…" Krory murmured from the bottom of the other bunk, where he had been sitting unnoticed during the altercation. No one remembered if he had been in the room from the start or wandered in later, but Krory did have a knack for sitting in plain sight totally unnoticed.

"Well, I'd love to do something to get out of working for that crusty old panda…" Lavi receded into the depths of his mind to try and find something to do. "Say, Allen, do you have a pack of cards on you?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?" Allen replied.

"I didn't think the Pope could be any other religion…" A look of confusion had settled on Krory's face.

"It's an expression," The other three clarified.

"Oh."

"So, what card game did you want to play?" The boy's gray eyes sparkled as he asked the question.

"One where cheating is totally futile." Lavi sighed as he remembered watching Allen cheat at poker on numerous occasions.

"Lame!" The shorter boy protested.

"Nah, it's not lame!" Contradicted the redhead. "We're gonna play another drinking game! It uses a standard deck of playing cards. I promise that this time we won't get wasted. So, gentlemen, go get us a table near the bar. I'll go grab the ladies and meet you there in a couple of minutes!"

The other men did not protest. They simply nodded and exited their quarters.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

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Did I just win an award for anticlimactic confrontations? I'm sorry if that disappointed anyone, but I really wanted to put Kanda and Lavi into a prank war instead. I promise that the next one will be longer.

And, yes, next chapter is another drinking game!

Please, PLEASE review. It'll help me write better and update faster. Tell me who you'd like to see the drunkest!

So I managed to write this chapter even with all the medical stuff I've been through this summer…5 doctor's appointments, 11 x-rays, removal of wisdom teeth, an MRI…and now I'm short 4 wisdom teeth, know that I'm still legally blind with 20/300 vision, and almost dislocated my right shoulder and have to have physical therapy to try to correct it with a 50% success rate. Well, enough about my life please review to encourage me!!!


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